This past month has been an exhausting one for me. It’s hard to put it into words. I’ve done a lot of thinking and reflecting this month so expect a lot of “I think” and “I feel” in this post.
Throughout my life I have always put others before me, no matter who they are and no matter what situation. I like to be generous and I like to be kind and I feel like if I were to put myself first I wouldn’t be kind or generous — I would be selfish. And being selfish is probably my biggest pet peeve. People who lack compassion or thought for others are the worst kind of people and I guess that’s why I’ve allowed people to step all over me. It’s just not within my nature to ever consider myself first. I am a strong believer in karma and the idea of putting out positive vibes, which is why the friends I’ve made and kept are my friends for a reason. They all put me first and they’re all beautiful and wonderful friends. Which is why this makes it so hard.
I need to put myself first. It gets to the point where you begin to lose value in yourself and you get so consumed by your thoughts that no one sees you suffering. I feel as though I care too much and this care I have for people is what is driving me to the edge. And the funny thing is, people will never care for me as much as I do for them. No matter how many times I cry, or how hard I cry, they will never cry over me.
So the lesson learnt here is this: prioritise yourself. Don’t feel like you’re being selfish or unkind. You’re being kind to yourself. Those that don’t understand what you’re going through and expect you to always be okay are the selfish ones. Those that don’t even bother asking how you are or spare any thought for you are the ones you shouldn’t even consider prioritising.
No one needs your love and care more than your own body and soul.